Wedding Make Me Feel Lonely

Discussion in 'Emotional Support' started by Oscar, May 19, 2010.

  1. Oscar

    Oscar

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    Hi

    Sorry this might be long

    I get married in a few months time. Excited about the big day but just want here all ready! My h2b is an amazing person, everyone else things so to. He's really positive and happy all the time so Im really scared I'll start dragging him down. Im on here to release the drama in my head so he doent think Im a complete nut case.

    So here goes -
    Im pushing 30 and im ashamed to admit I have no friends. Well actually sometimes Im not ashamed to admit it, sometimes I see as "thats life" but other times for no reason it just really gets me down and I feel so depressed about it. I've sat and listed all the friends (7) that i've felt close to since primary. For various reason they've all left me i.e moved away, drifted apart or stopped wanting to be my friend. I think its really to getting me. The wedding is just highlighting how alone I am. I have friends in work but I dont see them outside of work and they never make an effort to go to nights outs or parties..........so are they really friends. I know the main ones wont come to my wedding, I hope Im wrong but dont think so.

    My mil2b keeps asking about a hen night, I tell her Im not going to have one and then she says "oh you have to have one", this upsets me. I have a great family ( im the only girl) but I dont want to look around and see no friends, no offence to my Mum and Aunts.

    H2b keeps telling me to make an effort but thats all I ever do. I dont have one close friendship to show for it so it gets really tiring. Its got to the point now that I feel if I dont make an effort then I wont get hurt!

    My h2b has 4 close friends, I get on with their girlfriends, we're not that close but it means I do socialise. 3 of h2b's friends are Ushers, I was only going to have my two kid nieces as my bridemaids, then 8 months into planning the wedding I thought Im going to bite the bullet and ask one of the girlfriendS to be my MOH (she's married to an usher). She said yes and was really happy that I 'd asked.

    But now my MOH has split with her husband! Its only happened recently so she's still really cut up about it and wont talk but she knows Im here for her. My Mil2b is best friends with her husbands mum, so she keeps trying to get information out of me. After I told mil2b that I have no idea why they have split she said to me twice "but you are close to her, she is your MOH", aaaaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh!
    I think she wanted me to spell out to her that I HAVE NO FRIENDS!

    I feel as if the wedding day is like a big plaque around my neck saying "loner" my wedding guests consist of family from both sides, Mums friends and H2bs friends.

    Violins please
     
    Oscar, May 19, 2010
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  2. Oscar

    MrsApplen2be

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    Aww hun so sorry your feeling like this.....the important thing to remember in this cicumstance is that youre marrying your best friend.

    Sorry I cant offer much advice to you but in regards to the hen night could you do a nice spa/meal so that it is a family orientated day and wouldnt be like wild clubbing you would do with friends?

    Being close to h2bs friends girlfriends still counts as having friends and in relation to not knowing why your moh has split up with her hubby then thats a friend not prying into business and when she is ready she will tell you. Chin up chicken x
     
    MrsApplen2be, May 19, 2010
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  3. Oscar

    MrsBrown

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    Oh Oscar!! I'm really not sure I have any sensible advice but to emphaise! I too hate birthdays for the simple reason that the rest of the year, i plod along nicely and then when its my birthday every else feels you must do something special with your friends or your a loner!! New years can be like that too!

    Your MIl2b shouldnt be asking you for information anyway. I am sure you are closer to your MOH than you think if she agreed to be your MOH, but now its a horrid situation. you could try telling your MIL2b that you dont know anything but you wouldnt tell anyway because its between them. Just make sure your MOH knows you are there for her.

    As for your hen night, maybe you could book you and your Mum in for a pamper session. Or even one for you and your MOH? sounds like she needs some pampering. Who says we need hen nights anyway, its your last night of freedom you can do whatever you want.

    I dont know about the other brides on here, but sometimes I feel that weddings can take over your life! Maybe you could find something you have always wanted to do? volunteering/ take up a sport/ join a class. Not just for making friends as you never know who you will meet, but for something for you. Something you can talk to people at work about, your family, your husbands friends.

    Just remember as well, you do have a best friend, you have your H2B and he will be the best friend you will ever want or need.

    Good luck

    Jayne x
     
    MrsBrown, May 19, 2010
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  4. Oscar

    ilovepink1984

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    Hi Oscar. I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Like Jayne says above, weddings can end up taking over you life so try and keep things small and simple. As above, you are marrying your best friend so don't worry that you feel you have no close friends, keep the wedding intimate and it will mean so much more to you. Tell your MIL2B you don't want a lavish hen do - I certainly don't either and it will probably just be my mum and BMS (sister and SIL2B) - and do something you want like a pampering session where you can relax. My wedding also motly consists of my family as its quite large and we are only having 60 people, and only 2 members of H2B family are bothering to come, so I won't have many friends there either!!

    In a way, I feel similar. I still have 3 friends I speak to semi-regularly from school but I wouldn't call us close anymore - we all lead separate lives and I have 2 children so have moved away and have different priorities. One is back at uni doing a masters so always seems to be going out and has lots of friends but thats just her - shes always been bubbly. I have a few mummy friends after having my second baby. As lovely as they are all talk revolves around the children etc and we do baby friendly activites in the day so I have absolutely no social life!! I also don't work so no work friends. h2B is similar - he has a few friends from work and a couple from his footie team but noone he would call close. His closest friend is his best man but lives in London so we rarely see him. We are happy as we are though. We enjoy each others company and we both have our own interests ie. he plays football once a week and i meet up with other mums. I sometimes feel alone when I hear all the things people are getting up to and I'm sat at home with my children, but all in all I am happy with my lot and marrying my best friend and love of my life.

    Also, a good friend is someone who is there to listen and has a shoulder to cry on when its needed, not someone who tries to pry information out of someone after a horrible split. Be there for her when shes ready and she will really appreciate it. Your Mil2B is just being nosy and trying to hear about what happened first.

    Chin up [​IMG]
    Sophie xxx
     
    ilovepink1984, May 20, 2010
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  5. Oscar

    Mrsg2b2011

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    Oh hun, I really hope you are ok. Yes I agree with everyone on here especially when they say weddings can take over your life I have to force myself to shut down my laptop some evenings otherwise I will go crazy!!!

    I know how you feel too hun. I have very little contact with anyone I went to school with apart from through facebook except that doesn't count, as it just highlights to me how everyone is going out with their close friends & are having fun. It is sad & I don't have a best friend anymore as she didn't like the fact I have a young son now with my h2b who actually takes the attention away from her! It was hard braking off that friendship as we had been friends so long but I didn't need someone like that in my sons life!!! Your MOH is VERY lucky to have you as a friend, as MrsApplen said you are being a true friend by not prying & letting her come to you in her own time. Your MIL is just very nosy but mine is the same I just thought that comes as standard with MIL's [​IMG]!!!

    Anyway hun welcome to the forum you have chosen the right one to post on as everyone here is really friendly & non-judgemental so do keep us up to date with everything. Hope your plans are going well xxx
     
    Mrsg2b2011, May 20, 2010
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  6. Oscar

    Oscar

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    Hi

    Thanks for the replies.

    I have said to my friend that Im here for her and she knows that. I keep wanting to contact her to ask her how she is doing but I dont want it to seem as if I am prying. Naturally I will wonder what has happened but I wouldnt dream of asking, if she wants to she will tell me in her own time but like I said we're not that close so I dont think she would want to cry on my shoulder but thats not the point. I know she has other close friends and an amazing family around her so she'll be ok that way.

    I cant believe it, my MOH and the usher seemed a great couple. The only thing is now I have a feeling she might not want to be my MOH now! If I put myself in her place I dont think I could go through with it. Im now worried that she'll not mention anything and it'll be me that will have to bring it up. I really want her there with me but I would totally understand if she couldnt do it. I can hold off a couple of weeks before I tackle that conversation. The last thing on her mind right now will be my wedding anyway.
    Although its my wedding day Im not expecting everyone else to put their lives and feelings on hold. Just wantto give her a big hug but I will leave her in peace for now.

    You are right about me marrying my best friend. Can t believe I found such a keeper and that he wants to keep me. Aw!

    As for mil2b. I just wish she'd stop asking about our friends before I say something too cheeky!
     
    Oscar, May 20, 2010
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  7. Oscar

    MrsBrown

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    Oscar you sound like such an understanding person! As you say you cant predict what she will want to do about the wedding, but I think you are right to leave it a few weeks before asking. Maybe you could just send her a little card, saying you are hoping she is well and that she can give you a call if needed.

    When are you getting married?
     
    MrsBrown, May 20, 2010
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  8. Oscar

    bridetobe200910

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    Hi Oscar,

    I am loving organising my wedding but like you I have no real close friends. I have moved around over the years and just never really made close friends.

    I would have no one to invite to a hen do and I have no one to go shopping with - and that makes me sad.

    But the most important thing is I am going to marry my best friend who I love to bits and I have a family, if not close by, that love me too.

    Keep positive and its worth thinking about what we do have not what we haven't.

    Good luck x
     
    bridetobe200910, May 20, 2010
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  9. Oscar

    Mrsg2b2011

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    Oscar you are such a lovely person she really is so lucky to have a friend like you! When & where are getting married? xxx
     
    Mrsg2b2011, May 21, 2010
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  10. Oscar

    poppleminster

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    Hello! Firstly, you'd be suprised how many people have no or few close friends. Me included here. I moved 250 miles to a city where I know nobody but my partner. I talk to a few of the mums at the school playground but my h2b and I are very much best friends and partners, I wont be having a hen night as who would I invite?

    I really feel for you over the issue as I am nervous that it might be noticed that I don't have anyone there. It's just a pang that I am sure I wont even notice on the day but it niggles.

    Cyber friends can be as good, if not better as they don't care if your house is a mess / hair brushed / you have three arms and ten legs etc... the support from a nice site like this will be here when you need it :rolleyes:

    Big huggly
    Becky xxx
     
    poppleminster, May 23, 2010
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  11. Oscar

    poppleminster

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    I guess if all else fails we can always hire rentacrowd! I read an article somewhere about omeone who hired a crowd of well-to-do looking friends to come to a party. Something we'd never do but the thought of MIL seeing all these people turn up is hilarious :rolleyes: Sorry, I have a terrible sense of humour! xxx
     
    poppleminster, May 23, 2010
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  12. Oscar

    vhc

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    that's sad that you feel that way Oscar. :D

    I don't know if i can be of any help, but I moved to a new town (and completely new part of the country!) when i was 25.
    And to top all that off, we moved into a house in the countryside! Ex had loads of friends sorted out as he had been working down here for 8 months before I joined him.

    The best way to make friends is to join groups!

    I started off by looking for a choir (because i'd been in a choir at home and wanted to keep singing) - i found one in the nearest town (and it was a hard slog (rather cliquey! :D ) but they're now my friends (and met DF through it - probably not what you want to do, but my ex was a bit of a twat...))
    then i joined my local WI (women's institute). i found it was by far the best way to make new friends and become a real part of the local community (there's nothing the WI doesn't know about!)
    on top of this, i made friends through work (not so easy cos when you leave work they don't follow me...), and I started belly dancing - i've been doing that for about 4 years now, and one of my very best friends i met through that.

    My biggest tip is to join the WI - especially as you're only 30 - they love younger members and will really take you under their wing!
    look for your nearest branch on The WI website

    you don't have to be a quilting, jam-making country wifey to feel a part of it (and you'll add a fresh dynamic too)
    :)
     
    vhc, May 29, 2010
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  13. Oscar

    vhc

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    oh, god, sorry, you said pushing 30.
    :)
     
    vhc, May 29, 2010
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  14. Oscar

    vhc

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    and, in addition, don't feel bad about not having anyone close enough to you to go on your hen do either - my little sister had one friend at hers (she'd known since school) and the rest of us were family.

    my own hen night, i've got my best friend from school, one friend from bellydancing, one friend from an old work, one friend who can't even come to the wedding (who used to live next door to me), and one friend who used to live in my old house (is ex's workmate's wife). (it's taken me 9 years to get all the friends other than my school friend)
    i didn't even want a hen do to start with because i believed that noone would want to come to it!
     
    vhc, May 29, 2010
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  15. Oscar

    iPrincess26

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    Hi Oscar

    Sorry you are feeling so down. I agree with what everyone has said so far and not really sure what else I can add, except your definitely not the only one! I have 3 people that I would class as close friends (who are also my bridesmaids) and 2 live miles away from me and the other works shifts (she's a nurse) and has such a hectic social life that I have to book in a month in advance to see her (not really but it feels like it). As for a hen do, i'm not bothered either think i'm going for a PJ pamper night as my MOH prop wont make it, she lives in Oxfordshire and is planning her own wedding (2 months before mine).

    I really like vhc's idea of joining the WI and am going to check it out now.

    Look on the plus side (you have found your best friend) as for the MIL I'm not much help as I don't have one, but would a bit of cheek cause problems? (i probably couldn't help myself if it were me)

    and you have found all of us now.

    Big hugs and i'll be here if you need to talk, hope we managed to cheer you up a bit. x
     
    iPrincess26, May 29, 2010
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