Is It Just Me Or...

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by MrsGroves2B, Sep 7, 2013.

  1. MrsGroves2B

    MrsGroves2B

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    Is it just me or does anyone on here (asking those who are married but no children yet mainly but anyone can answer) get fed up of people asking "when are you two going to have children?" or phrases to that effect?!

    Since we have been married (10 weeks ago today, well, 70 days ago according to my homepage on here!) there have been two births, and another one any day now. The first was my best friend on 2nd August who had her little girl, Jessica (she was meant to be my Bridesmaid but couldn't get in her dress. I was at Jessica's birth- amazing experience!), the second is my brother-in-law and sister-in-law who had our little Nephew, Archie on Tuesday. The third was due on Thursday so waiting to hear of his arrival. We now keep getting asked when are we having a baby!

    Now we are both extremely broody and yes, we'd like a baby, but both agreed not yet. Its not the right time, even if we do want them. We want to buy a place of our own first and get on the property ladder, I want to get a job (I work 4 hours a week on just over minimum wage at the moment, unless I get overtime) before we bring a child into the equation. Obviously I know, without appearing crude, that accidents happen regardless of the precautions you take, and we've always said should that be the case we'd never abort or put the child up for adoption, but we'd do what we could to prevent a pregnancy happening in the first place for the time being.

    Now I've said this to people, and Chris' Mom is telling me I'm classed as an older Mom at 30 (I'm 27 now), which I argue is nothing wrong- my Mom was 30 when she had me and I'm an only child- no shame in that at all. I also said I want us to be in a better financial situation by having a better job, and then being told it sounds lovely but if you wait until you can afford to have a child you'll never have one. I know all this, but no one seems to be noticing that I'm after a BETTER financial situation, not PERFECT financial situation (further explaining my job situation, as well as personal goals like buying a property before children). Everyone wants the best for their children, and I want to put in my fair share of the finances and get some money coming in to provide for them, and not put a load of pressure on Chris.

    So why does it seem that no one , or not many people at least can see my point of view, or rather our point of view?! We'll have children when we're good and ready, not when everyone tells us! We haven't got married just to be able to start a family, we want to get ourselves in a position we want to be in and have some time as just us before bringing a child into the family!

    xx
     
    MrsGroves2B, Sep 7, 2013
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  2. MrsGroves2B

    Becky Administrator

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    You are not alone...! I think everyone gets this. It's annoying because it's such a personal matter, and it's not something that people would usually feel comfortable asking about - why they suddenly feel differently after you have tied the knot I will never understand!

    Mums are particularly bad I think. The desire for grandchildren is strong! I had to have words with my mum because literally every time I spoke to her she asked me when we were going to have kids. EVERY TIME! One day I said that I know she is looking forward to it, but asking me every time we speak is just plain annoying. It's not like I'm going to think "Mum has been nagging me about this for a while, better get on with it". She got really huffy about it which was also annoying, and I asked very nicely and it was a reasonable request.

    I was 26 when I got married in 2011, and we bought a house last year and have been busy doing it up. This year was going to be when we started trying for children, but I've had problems with my spine and need to get a lot stronger before pregnancy to hopefully avoid future issues. In all likelihood pregnancy is going to be very tough for me, so we are waiting until sometime next year before trying. Mum has actually been a lot better about it recently which is something I guess!
     
    Becky, Sep 9, 2013
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  3. MrsGroves2B

    Suzi83

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    Thankfully, my parents aren't pressuring us for grandchildren as they already have my brother Michael's two kids, Carla and Alasdair. However, they are also well aware that I have no desire to have kids nor does my H2B. If people kept asking me that, I'd simply say "We're not planning to have children thanks" Like you, I'm doing everything I can to prevent me getting pregnant.

    The other thing that winds me up is people who say "Oh you don't know what you're missing out on" as if that will magically make me want kids! I'm quite happy being an auntie thank you very much and I'd rather it stayed that way.
     
    Suzi83, Sep 9, 2013
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  4. MrsGroves2B

    iPrincess26

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    We made a point of nipping this in the bud before the wedding, like Suzi83 neither of us have any desire to have children, my parents already have 2 grandchildren from my sister and OH parents aren't desperate for them. We told them straight out we are planning on having dogs and ducks but no kids - we love our life as it is, trips out, weekends away etc we don't want kids and don't want to change our lifestyle and its easier to get the dogs looked after for a weekend than kids!

    My folks were great and its a joke that me and my sister split things between us as her and her OH have been together about 15yrs now and have 2 kids but no desire/intention to get married - so I did the marriage and she did the kids and we are all happy, I love my nephews but I can hand them back!!!! I did tell mum to give this info to my gran and said that if she asked us on the wedding day i would be having words, as it was she didn't ask - don't think I spoke to her at all and she disrupted the service and my dad's speech - still not forgiven her for that one.

    Just tell them politely but firmly that you plan to do this in your own time and like Becky said pestering you all the time is not going to make it happen any sooner! but you aren't alone
     
    iPrincess26, Sep 9, 2013
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  5. MrsGroves2B

    MrsGroves2B

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    My parents aren't particularly bothered, they just want us to get ourselves in a position where we're ready. We're in the process of buying our first property, which was one thing we wanted to do first. I have been offered a job, but awaiting a start date (although I have my suspicions at the moment as the start date keeps getting pushed back), so if all comes about with that then that's a possible job sorted, but its not practical to begin a new job and a few months later turn around to my boss and say "oh, by the way, I'm pregnant, I'll need time off for appointments and maternity leave." so said at least 12 months after getting a job ideally, at least I'm in better stead with the company and a little more financial backing. We both want kids, that's a definite, but just not yet.

    I'm an only child, so it will be that extra bit special for them as it will be their first and only chance of being Grandparents. Chris has a brother, and they have 2 children, Elliott who's 2 and a half, and Archie who is 8 days old. We met little Archie on Saturday when he was 4 days old, and Chris had his phone set up on the car hands free device so it played through the car stereo, called his Mom and she asked what we thought of him, etc, and we said he was adorable, but I also made a point of saying something like no, you're not having any Grandkids off us yet! (before she had chance to say anything) and she laughed and said I can always hope, or words to that effect. I was thinking that surely after becoming a Grandmother again only 4 days previously she's not in a major rush to become another one so soon?! She then said to be fair you have the flat to think about first (the place we're buying), but me wonders whether she'll be asking again after we've moved and got the flat straight.

    I love babies and children, but for the time being I'm happy being the Auntie (I even have 2 friends who have children- one has 3, the youngest being a month old, and the other has a 4 year old boy, and they call me Auntie Becky!) and quite happy handing them all back to their parents! Hehe!

    I don't like the fact Chris' Mom said on a status on Facebook (congratulating Chris' brother and his wife on the birth of Archie) that once you're 30 you're classed as an older Mother- and our sister-in-law who'd just had Archie never commented on it to say thank you or anything, but liked that particular post, then another one later off Chris' Uncle (also called Chris) said (after talking about financial circumstances and wanting a better income first) that if we waited until we could afford to have kids we'd never have them. My side of the family its not an issue, Chris' side it seems to be! Before Archie was born there was a BBQ just before the last Bank Holiday weekend at Chris' parents' house, and I said no kids for a few years yet. Our sister-in-law said "a few years?!" almost like a snide comment, and sometimes I feel like comments are almost like them saying Chris, she doesn't want kids, you shouldn't have married her. I'm not saying that's what they're saying, but it feels like it sometimes.

    I don't object to when people have children, there's no right or wrong time really, just when you feel the time is right. If people choose to have children young, older, before marriage, after marriage, as soon as they're married, years after marriage, whatever, that's fine and entirely their choice, so long as they're loved and cared for that's what matters. Sometimes I wish people would understand that. I kind of don't mind someone saying do you want kids yet, then give an answer, they answer something like fair enough, that's understandable, etc, and its dropped, its more the pestering and the giving reasons against my point of view that bothers me. I don't want kids just because I've just got married, I don't want kids because so many people are having kids or just had kids (Chris' best friend from school became a Dad again yesterday, there's something in the water around here I think! Hehe!), I want kids because we want kids and can do the best we can to love, provide and care for them. To me that forms part of the planning for a baby.

    I told my Mom yesterday that I'm fed up of people asking me when we're having kids and told her about the over 30 older Mother comment. She said just say when we're ready, and she was 30 when she had me. My parents were married 8 years before I came along. I said the next person to ask I'm not going to be liable for my actions!
     
    MrsGroves2B, Sep 11, 2013
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  6. MrsGroves2B

    nikster1987

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    I know me and H2B aren't married yet but we are getting the same already. For years people have been asking when we are having kids but we didn't feel the time was right and we wasn't in a position to provide for them properly.

    We have decided to try for a baby now, as we are in a better financial position now thanks to H2B's new job which he has had since December. Its just getting really upsetting that we are trying but no pregnancy yet. People asking me now when we are having kids is affecting me more than before.

    I always said I wanted to be below 30 when I started having kids, but theres nothing wrong with that. Its whatever you choose. People should accept that you having kids is your decision, not their influence.

    I know how you feel. xx
     
    nikster1987, Sep 24, 2013
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  7. MrsGroves2B

    MrsGroves2B

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    Best of luck to you both on trying for a baby. Fingers crossed for you. Its annoying I know, people I know have tried and got pregnant straight away, others have taken months or more.

    I don't think I'll tell people when we're trying. I know I'll have people keep asking if we've had any luck yet, and it would annoy me, so I know how you feel when you say people keep asking you when you'll start trying because I'll feel the exact same way. I've even said that if/when the time comes that I get pregnant I wouldn't tell anyone until the 12 week scan (except work as they'd need to know for health and safety reasons), even parents, unless I suffered bad with illness. If we told my parents it would stay with parents, but tell Chris' parents and they'd tell us to tell his Brother, then maybe his Nan, etc, so I'd want to tell everyone after that 12 week scan. I have the vision of showing the scan and saying something like "look at this photograph we've had done!" as a surprise. Whether that would happen I don't know.

    Like you I think before 30. I said by the time I'm 30 I'd like to have a child or be considering a child. I still feel like a child myself sometimes so want to grow up a little more first! Hehe! On the same note I don't want to become a parent too old because I want to be active with our child and be able to comfortably do things like running around the park playing with a ball or whatever.

    xx
     
    MrsGroves2B, Sep 25, 2013
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  8. MrsGroves2B

    nikster1987

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    Thank you for your wishes. We have been trying for months but no luck so far, and its heartbreaking every month.

    I know exactly what you mean about telling people. We're not telling anyone we know we are trying and we will most likely wait until the 12 week scan. Rob wants to find a non-traditional way of letting people know, like he actually said he wanted to post a copy of the scan photo to both of our parents and wait for the phone call. Thats the reason I wanted to be below 30 so as we can still be active and play with the child.

    Do it in your own time, thats the best way isn't it.

    xx
     
    nikster1987, Sep 30, 2013
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  9. MrsGroves2B

    MrsGroves2B

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    It certainly is. We know we want kids, but want to get the things we want sorted out sorted first, namely me in a full-time job and when we have got a mortgage. When I do get a full-time job I don't want to have kids right away as it doesn't look good in a company if you just begin work and then announce a pregnancy and needing 9 months maternity leave.

    If we could get the money saved up I'd like to go to visit my Auntie, Uncle and Cousin in New Zealand and go to America to visit Chris' Auntie, Uncle and Cousins. That would be difficult to do with children, especially young children Those are expensive to do just for flights so may not get those opportunities, but those are definitely something I'd like to achieve.

    I like the non-traditional way of telling people. I think our parents would be annoyed about us not telling them in person though, but I like his thoughts on posting them and awaiting the phone call. Chris said he doesn't think he could keep it secret until the 12 week scan.
     
    MrsGroves2B, Sep 30, 2013
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