Family Advice Needed...

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by MrsStanding2Be, Dec 26, 2010.

  1. MrsStanding2Be

    MrsStanding2Be

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    i've had a rather bad few months with my mum.....we have had so many arguments....it got so bad i had to move out, tomorrow i have been out for a month, i was very upset for the first week, so i ignored all calls, she called me a week later, i spoke to her, we sort of patched things up, couple of days later we arranged to meet on Boxing day, everything was fine, i asked if it was ok for h2b to comes and she was fine with it, then i get a call 2 days before xmas saying "what time are you coming up on BD, h2b made a joke and said 5am, she said i see he still has his sense of humour, well i don't find it funny at all. so she starts going into one about how let down she is with him, and that she can't forgive him. she reckons he has hurt me, not sure how all he has done is stick by me and be my rock. then the next morning she calls 5 times, then i get a ext saying chose between me or him, i send one back saying i'm not willing to chose, then she calls mil's house shouts her mouth off and sil which pissed me off, i told her not to call as i had nothing to say to her, so she called???, then she sent me a msg today saying "when will we see you", i'm not really sure i want to see her, i don't wanna talk to her, i dont want her ringing my mil's house.....so i'm not sure what to do? :)
     
    MrsStanding2Be, Dec 26, 2010
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  2. MrsStanding2Be

    poppleminster

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    I would suggest a calm, polite message saying that you find her behaviour unnaceptable and that until she feels able to behave calmly and with good spirit then you feel that you are unable to talk to her. You could suggest you meet on neutral territory.


    You are not her mother. If that makes sense. She is behaving like a toddler and needs treating as one. If you don't tackle her by telling her that she is behaving badly then she will always do so. You need to be polite, firm and above all remain calm at all times. Whenever she gets angsty simply tell her that you feel she is not being constructive and that you will leave talking to her until she has calmed down, then hang up or walk away. Repeatedly if required. If she threatens to call MIL or SIL then so be it. You cannot control that but if she realises it has no impact - she'll soon get bored of doing it. If they simply tell her the same as you - when she rants, that they feel the conversation is not constructive and will be happy to talk to her when she can remain calm.

    At first she'll be livid but when she realises she's going to get nowhere unless she controls herself. She will do just that. It's the equivelant of ignoring a tantrum and placing her on the naughty step. All the time she gets you upset, she is getting a reaction and attention and making you feel bad then turning herself into a victim. It's a pattern you need to break if you ever want peace.

    When she is calm, you can explain her comments about your h2b are incorrect, that his humour is one of the things you love about him and that asking you to choose is not only unfair but as an adult, not an option you wish to even discuss. Instead you can suggest she finds a strategy to cope but that she has to accept you are marrying him and that you will not pander to seeing her without him etc all the time.

    Alternatively, lock her in a cupboard until she decides to behave, say sorry and come out for dinner LOL xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
    poppleminster, Dec 26, 2010
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  3. MrsStanding2Be

    MrsBrown

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    Oh heck! Sorry yr going through this! My aunt had a way of causing trouble for my mum, she will just be rude and nasty then forget and carry on as normal she has absolutely no incite into her behaviour. Mum will do alsorts to try make it ok and most of the time gets it thrown back in her face! For example they were supposed to be meeting for lunch today with some other relatives, all arranged. Then my aunt kicked up a fuss saying she thought it was this eve and she wasn't prepared to come at lunch! My mum ended up reArranging everyone only for my aunt to say she wasn't bothered about going anyway. She does stuff like this all the time and is so selfish! Onmy wedding day she complained to my mim the food was awful and sat with a sulk on her face not talking to anyone!!!! The food was far from awful and Even if it was Why make someone else never mind yr sister upset. Same goes for yr mum she needs to rhink about yr feelings too! Anyway the point is my mum still runs around after her, panders to her every whim and gets no where she doesn't learn and mum ends up feeling annoyed and upset everytime. I agree with popple don't rise to her behaviour, even if h2b was the worst behaved person in the world she has no right to ask you to choose! As he would also have no right also. She should respect yr choice and support you unconditionally!I would follow popples advice on texting back, maybe suggest you call round for a brew with h2b? Good luck xxxx
     
    MrsBrown, Dec 27, 2010
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