Babies, Relationships Etc

Discussion in 'Pregnancy, Babies and Children' started by Helen, Mar 17, 2012.

  1. Helen

    Zoe

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2010
    Messages:
    260
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Chester
    I'm with the majority - I don't think it matters whether you're married or not as long as you are in a stable and loving relationship and can pass on that same love and support.

    I was 32 when I had Rhys, and although I think age doesn't matter, I think you need a lot of patience and energy. I found the first 3 months so very tiring, but also so exciting.

    I'm 35 now and expecting a baby in September. We got married in May so it's a lot nicer this time around to be Mrs and not a Miss.
     
    Zoe, Mar 21, 2012
    #21
    MrsC2Be and poppleminster like this.
    1. Advertisements

  2. Helen

    elliekitty

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2012
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Sheffield
    It anoys me that most people assume your going to get married and then have kids straight after. I always get comments "Ooo are we expecting childern next year" etc

    We both would like childern but we are thinking our late 20's and when we have stable jobs etc.
     
    elliekitty, Mar 27, 2012
    #22
    1. Advertisements

  3. Helen

    MrsC2Be

    Joined:
    May 1, 2010
    Messages:
    1,171
    Likes Received:
    98
    Location:
    Lymm, Cheshire
    The wife of a colleague of mine has had their second little girl today :)

    My boss has said it's all terribly inconvenient and he'd quite like to ban his staff having sex to stop the problem lol :D At least there's one person who won't be pushing for us to have babies as soon as we're married :D
     
    MrsC2Be, Mar 29, 2012
    #23
    Becky likes this.
  4. Helen

    bella.sy

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2012
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    For me, best age to have a baby is 25 years old. But I am not a parent yet. Just wishing to get married soon.
     
    bella.sy, Mar 29, 2012
    #24
  5. Helen

    Suzi83

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2013
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Glasgow, Scotland
    I don't want kids at all personally and neither does my fiancé. I'm 32 and some people keep telling me "Oh you don't know what you're missing!" which annoys me tbh. I'm quite content being an auntie to my brother's two kids instead.
     
    Suzi83, Aug 29, 2013
    #25
  6. Helen

    MrsGroves2B

    Joined:
    May 13, 2010
    Messages:
    326
    Likes Received:
    32
    Location:
    West Midlands
    I'm glad I've seen this (sorry, I started a thread off a couple of weeks ago about the same kind of thing).

    I'm really fed up of people asking me when we're having kids, then arguing the points as to why we should have kids now! If someone asks us, we say not yet and why, and they say fair enough and leave it I don't mind, but its the arguing as to why we should! Its our life, its our choice, and just because we're now married doesn't mean we're going to start having children.

    We have said not yet. We want to buy a place to live and I want a better job that's full-time before bringing a child up, so we are more financially secure. I know you are never 100% financially secure but just want to be in a better financial position first. We are both 27 now and I've also said that by the time I'm 30 I want to either have a child or be considering having a child, so I suppose 30 is the key age really. However, we have always said that accidents happen and if we were to find out that contraception had failed and I got pregnant we'd have the baby, we'd never abort or adopt because the baby wasn't planned, its not the baby's fault.

    I was having this conversation with my Mom the other day and she knows I'm getting really fed up with comments, and its mainly Chris' family. His Mom is saying over 30 and you're classed as an older parent (I'm an only child and my Mom was 30 and Dad was 33 when I was born, and I had no problems when growing up or felt I suffered in any way because my parents were 30+. They had been married nearly 8 years when I was born too). When I explained that I want to be in a better financial situation (job wise) before bringing up a child, Chris' Uncle said it was a nice thought but if you wait until you can afford to have children you'll never have them, before that it was "there's no time like the present", its like because we're married we've got to become parents immediately, not live our lives a bit first and enjoy married life as the two of us first. I feel as well that if we were to have children now it will feel or seem to appear a couple of things:
    1. We've only got married to have kids.
    2. Our Nephew (Chris' Brother's son) was born 2 weeks ago. We're having kids because Chris' Brother and Sister-in-law have had kids.

    We didn't choose to get married just to have children. We chose to get married because we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. My Dad in his speech at our wedding said, in short, life is a journey and we've started a new journey together, if we take a wrong turning, don't worry about it, if you hit an obstacle, don't worry about it, but never be afraid to ask for directions. Well, the start of our married journey is spending time together, aiming to meet goals we want to achieve before having children.

    We don't want to have children because there's loads of people having children that we know of. My best friend's baby girl is nearly 2 months old now, who I got to witness being born, which was a fantastic experience, our Nephew is 2 weeks old (well, 3 weeks on Tuesday coming) and Chris' best friend had a baby boy a week ago on Tuesday gone. Yes we're broody, but I don't want to come across as someone who is having children because other people are having children. We met our Nephew on the Saturday after he was born and on the phone in the car (Chris set it up as handsfree) his Mom asked us what we thought of him and after saying how he was adorable I said " and no, you're not having another Grandchild yet!" The answer back was a laugh and something like "I can always hope". I had to emphasise that we weren't having kids yet.

    On the same note, please don't think that I think having children out of wedlock, at a young age, at an old age, as soon as you're married, etc, is wrong. I believe its a personal choice and its whenever you feel ready and comfortable to raise a family, and different times is absolutely fine. Some people don't want to get married at all but have children, some want to be married for a long time, etc, and that's fine. Me and Chris wanted to be married first, wanted a better financial situation first and ideally want to have brought a place to live first. We don't want to rush at all. Chris' Brother and sister-in-law got married in the December (week before Christmas), booked their wedding around the February before, so less than a year before the day. Around a couple of months before they said they would try for kids when they were married. They had booked their honeymoon for the Easter after the wedding (they both work in a school and went to Thailand), and said they'd start trying on honeymoon. That's not my choice, if that was us I'd think the main reason to get married was to start a family, when its not. For Chris' brother and sister-in-law that was right for them, and its their choice, its fine.

    I wish some people would just see that we are trying to do what is best for us and waiting for the time to be right, not rushing because its seen as the thing to do. Its a subject that gets on my goat recently!
     
    MrsGroves2B, Sep 20, 2013
    #26
  7. Helen

    MrsGroves2B

    Joined:
    May 13, 2010
    Messages:
    326
    Likes Received:
    32
    Location:
    West Midlands
    How are things now? I hope the questions and demands of having children, etc have died down a bit now.

    We went to Chris's parents house for New Year's Day dinner today and his Nan, brother, sister-in-law and two Nephews were there. It was like a Christmas dinner because his parents had gone on a cruise around the Caribbean for Christmas and weren't here.

    Now, if sister-in-law speaks to me it's always child related (except your basic hello, goodbye, please and thank you's, say my name, that kind of thing, dignitaries really), even on Facebook she never replies or likes anything of mine, even when I was congratulating her on the birth of their children, but will like any comments people say regarding us having children (over 30 and you're classed as an older Mom, you'll never be able to afford a child so no time like the present, etc). Today I was holding their baby, Archie, who will be 4 months old on Friday. I had finished dinner so was holding him whilst his Grandad was finishing his dinner, but he was between having his bottle, and the angle I had to sit him on me was such that I couldn't see his mouth to give him his bottle, so Grandad gave it him. I said I didn't mind doing it but couldn't get to him properly to feed him. Sister-in-law's comment was when you have babies you learn to feed them in any position, or words to that effect. Cue me starting to get annoyed. I just didn't comment.

    I had Archie back and he fell asleep on me, and stayed that way for a while. Sister-in-law asked if having Archie on me made me want one, I said not yet. Asked why I said we didn't get married just to have children. She said about how the longer you leave it the more problems you are likely to have, and look at the problems she had and she was young. I said we'd cross that bridge when we came to it. Then mother-in-law (who was sat by her) said it suits you. Chris then piped up and said we'll have them when we're ready, to which she replied she was talking to me! I saw Chris was annoyed and so I said it's getting really annoying now! Sister-in-law snapped saying its only a question, Jesus, sorry, won't ask again! The point is if she'd never asked or hinted before then fine, I wouldn't say anything, but it wasn't, and when I've mentioned ages ago it'd be a few years she poo-pooed it saying "a few years?" In a disapproving tone. I'd said I'm that sick of the questions around having children that one day I'll snap, think today was the start of it, and I don't regret it either, I'm standing up for what I believe in! I don't mind if people ask us, and when I say not yet, want work to be a bit more stable first , and they just say fair enough and respect our views, it's when people argue against our views when, in a way it's for nothing to do with them that really gets on my nerves.

    We saw my parents after, had a cup if tea and collected something on our way home and told them what was said and they are all for our decisions and never ask us. I won't repeat what my Dad told us to tell them to do but you could hazard a guess! He said they got it a lot when they got married, especially from my Grandad (Mom's Dad), and got annoyed. Chris says what annoys him the most is that for all they (sister-in-law) know we could have been trying for years and couldn't have them (we haven't, and God forbid that to be the case), they just assume we should be popping them out now we're married, and said this to my Dad. He said he'd said that to my Grandad (Mom's Dad again) at one time and it shut him up.

    I'm one of these people that wouldn't really announce if we're trying for a baby though. To me it's like saying to people that we're having regular, unprotected sex. I'm not saying its wrong to announce you're trying for a baby, but in my mind I wouldn't feel comfortable. If, God forbid, we'd been trying for years and had no joy, we'd seek advice professionally but otherwise no, it's our choice when we see it to be the right time. Ok, there can be unplanned pregnancies and should this happen to us we'd have the baby and love it unconditionally, it's not the baby's fault, but we donMt plan on having children just yet.
     
    MrsGroves2B, Jan 2, 2014
    #27
  8. Helen

    Becky Administrator

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2010
    Messages:
    2,856
    Likes Received:
    83
    Sorry to hear about that, people can be so rude when it comes to this topic! Your husband must have felt frustrated at being cut out of the conversation too, after all it takes two people to be parents. Best solution is to just ignore her, she is probably insecure and looking for areas in which to feel superior to other women.

    P.S Happy New Year! :)
     
    Becky, Jan 2, 2014
    #28
  9. Helen

    MrsGroves2B

    Joined:
    May 13, 2010
    Messages:
    326
    Likes Received:
    32
    Location:
    West Midlands
    To be honest Becky you may have a point there- Mother-in-law and sister-in-law have sort of got a bond between them- she's a golden daughter-in-law because she likes the same things as she does, for example wines and food, she wanted Grandchildren and now has two Grandsons, likes the glamour and, for want of a better word, the upmarket and kind of posh things in life, and the majority of that sort of thing sister-in-law likes too. I'm not like that at all- I don't drink, not keen on Thai food (although that's the only food difference really for me), not produced Grandchildren yet, not interested in going away on cruises and wearing ball gowns, etc. (They're all off on a cruise for Chris's Brother's 30th Birthday in April, so there'll be mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother, sister-in-law, our Nephews (one aged 3 and one aged 8 months) and grandmother-in-law (mother-in-law's Mom), they've all wanted to go, sister-in-law has never been and in-laws go on about how wonderful it is, so are paying for them to go for Chris's Brother's 30th Birthday. Says Chris can have the same when he's 30 (got 2 years yet), but he says no, he wants a party instead, and I have no desire to go on a cruise, it doesn't appeal to me at all (plus its a slight relief for me because I don't fancy being stuck on a cruise ship with mother-in-law, but if that's what he wanted I wouldn't stop him and I'd go).

    I can probably guess what's gone through their minds, or going through their minds- Chris wants children and Becky doesn't, why has he married her?! I wouldn't be surprised if at some point in the future (its happened before) either Mother-in-law, sister-in-law or brother will have a conversation with him when he's not with me and start asking why he's with me because I don't want children?! Or Mother-in-law will have the conversation with him, but will then call his Brother behind Chris's back and get him to talk to Chris at some point, either make them go out for a drink or the next time Chris pops to his house and have words. The point is we both do, just not yet! Some people!

    My argument, particularly to sister-in-law, is what difference would it make to her if me and Chris decided to have children now or later? Its got absolutely nothing to do with her really. She never (except on one Birthday invitation nearly 2 years ago) referred to me as Auntie Becky to our Nephews, even since we have been married, so she obviously doesn't see me as Elliott and Archie's Auntie, so in that sense she wont see herself as our childrens' Auntie (funny how her brother's partner is referred as Uncle Marc, and that's her brother-in-law), so it makes no odds to her really. In terms of Mother-in-law I know she'd love her Grandchildren off us like she does her Grandsons, but again, its not her decision either. I'm going off on a tangent here, so better shut up! Its one of those things that really gets on my goat!

    Maybe now there's been a little outburst they both may shut up and not ask now! I don't see brother-in-law and sister-in-law often so will take a while to see if it makes a difference, but Mother-in-law is more frequent (well, I try not to make it frequent, but do see her. We shall see!

    Happy New Year too! Hope its a good one for you!

    xx
     
    MrsGroves2B, Jan 2, 2014
    #29
  10. Helen

    nikster1987

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2012
    Messages:
    114
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    West Midlands
    I'm kind of getting the same thing myself. We're not married yet, but we started to considering having a child before we got married as we're not sure how soon we will be able to get married.

    Everyone has been asking us for a long time about when we are going to have children and it didn't bother me. The look on my Granddads face when he asks makes me smile, he really can't wait for us to have a child.

    We have actually started to try and conceive (been trying since April/May) with no luck. It was starting to upset me because we hadn't conceived but my H2B has been really supportive. But now, with everyone asking us in almost every conversation we have its starting to bother me. I didn't want to tell anyone until we had conceived but with it starting to bother me I'm getting close to saying something.

    I can understand it bothering you Becky, I really can.
     
    nikster1987, Jan 12, 2014
    #30
    1. Advertisements

Ask a Question

Want to reply to this thread or ask your own question?

You'll need to choose a username for the site, which only take a couple of moments (here). After that, you can post your question and our members will help you out.