Babies, Relationships Etc

Discussion in 'Pregnancy, Babies and Children' started by Helen, Mar 17, 2012.

  1. Helen

    Helen

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    Being as there are a good selection of marrieds, engaged, those with children and those without on this fabulous forum I thought I would ask a few baby related questions.

    What do you think is the best age to have a baby?
    Is it important to you to be married before trying for a baby?
    How old were you and your partner when you decided to go for it?
    Does it annoy you that people assume as you got married you are soon to be pregnant?

    Thought it might be interesting to see peoples views on this.

    (PS I am not pregnant or trying for a baby before everyone asks!)
     
    Helen, Mar 17, 2012
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  2. Helen

    MrsBrown

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    Haha Helen. Yep everyone presumed we would be trying and yep we were,so when it didn't happen it was really tough as we constantly had comments!

    I don't believe marriage is essential but we wanted to wait until we got married. Because we were friends for so long and then everything happened so fast, I think waiting until after we were married seemed the right sequence. If we had begun trying we might have had to delay getting married.

    .I actually think its better to have a family as early as possible but circumstances don't always work that way, hence why I am 34 and no children. My hubby is 38. If/ when we have a family he could be over 40!!!!!!!!! And near retirement when by the time the child goes to uni!
     
    MrsBrown, Mar 17, 2012
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  3. Helen

    Helen

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    My husband is 35 and I'm ahem 30 (but if anyone asks I'm 22) and we have had a lot of comments about leaving it late (and before that about being a bit old for all this wedding business!).

    Husband actually said this morning he supposed there would never be a perfect time to have a baby (financially speaking) and maybe we should think about it next year. I'm a bit worried we are getting too old but at the same time I have a minor panic thinking about being responsible for a little person! I guess it is just something you get on with haha.
     
    Helen, Mar 17, 2012
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  4. Helen

    MrsBoucher2B2012

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    Everyone is expecting us to have another one as soon as we are married, which we would love but with just starting up the business it would be nice to have a year without anything major going on. Our first year together we fell pregnant, h2b had to finish his degree, he found a job and we moved house and decorated throughout. It has been like that since constantly something to plan or do.

    I am glad i had Abi at 20. I had loads of health problems afterwards and now she is so active being youngish is a huge plus, and i didnt miss the sleep as much :lol:

    I wish we had been married but my pill had other plans.

    I was 20 and h2b 30 a month after we had Abi, if all goes to plan i will be 25 when we have the next one.

    Helen you are right there never seems to be a right time financially speaking to have a baby, but as long as you are sensible and dont automatically buy the latest things for baby thinking it is the best for them then they dont have to cost a fortune.
     
    MrsBoucher2B2012, Mar 17, 2012
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  5. Helen

    MrsBrown

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    All I would say Helen is that had I known it would be so dam difficult I would have never bothered trying not to!!!!. Though you could catch on first month, who knows!
     
    MrsBrown, Mar 17, 2012
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  6. Helen

    MrsC2Be

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    We're getting asked a LOT lately about when we'll be having children. We both want children but it's always just an assumption, other people just assume that it's the natural progression, not sure what their reaction would be if we turned round and said "no actually, we've decided we don't want children". A friend of mine has just had a baby and like she said to me there will never be a perfect time, something will always get in the way.

    We've decided that we'd like to be married before we try, I think it's quite nice to have that time to get used to being married (although I don't know what grand changes I'm expecting to occur, we already live together lol).

    We'd like to have children while we're still fairly young, although Neil is 6 years older than me. Everyone always thought my aunty and uncle didn't want children, they both had good jobs that meant lots of travelling. Turns out they did want children and ended up having IVF and now have my cousin who is 7 today. My Aunty was 40 when she had him, which I think would be too old for me, but they just get on with it and seem pretty happy with the situation :)
     
    MrsC2Be, Mar 17, 2012
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  7. Helen

    Frogbitch

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    The only time I ever wanted children was in my early twenties, but for the wrong reasons. I saw it more as a way of giving up work than anything else, so thank goodness my first husband was too busy having babies with other women to have them with me!!

    This time around, my age has stopped the majority of people asking if we'll be starting a family. I think Russ would quite like kids, deep down, but he has even less patience than I do, so it's never really been a consideration.

    Our families have very different views too. Russ' parents would love for us to have kids, as he's the only one of the three brothers in a position to do so. My parents however really DON'T want grandchildren.

    I think I'll just stick to pouring far too much affection on my pets :)
     
    Frogbitch, Mar 17, 2012
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  8. Helen

    Helen

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    Why oh why does that sound like my ex :blink: Just made me shudder remembering it!

    While I like not having children at the moment I think I would regret it if we didn't in the long term.

    One of my aunts didn't have children, it was always said her husband didn't want any. However when he took early retirement and they had been married nearly 30 years she found he had another woman so she kicked him out and within a couple of months his new woman was pregnant. If it really was him who didn't want children and she did I feel a bit sad for her, if she never wanted them then fair enough!
     
    Helen, Mar 17, 2012
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  9. Helen

    MrsMay2011

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    Yup, as soon as we got married people started asking when we'd be having children, or making comments like 'it'll be you next' whenever someone was pregnant. I didn't like it, but mainly because I didn't know what to say. It's not something you want to give a yes/no answer to really. I'd say 'not just yet!' or 'we're just enjoying being married for now' and then get a knowing, smug look in return, which did annoy me. And if we were trying it's not something you'd want to neccessarily announce to (usually random) work colleagues! How come it's always the people who barely know you who feel they have every right to this very personal info?! It did amuse me that my facebook ads changed suddenly to pampers and weight loss as soon as I changed myself from engaged to married. You either get fat or pregnant as soon as you're married right?

    I think the right time to have a baby is when you've found the right person! Although it's obviously nice to be married, I don't think that's the important thing. I'm 32 now, and maybe it would have better (physically) to have had a baby in my early 20's, but I shudder to think now of the loser I was with then! But some people are lucky to have found the right person earlier on, like mrsBoucher.

    There are pro's and cons I think of having a baby younger/older. Again MrsBoucher points out the pros of being younger. However, being older you've lived your life a bit more, and maybe are more financially/emotionally stable, but it will probably take more of a toll and we might miss the freedom to just go out/on holiday whenever we want! Plus we'll still be doing the school run in our 40's whereas women who had their kids younger will now have grown up kids and be able to be selfish again. I'm scaring myself now!!

    Like everyone says, if you think about it too much you can find a bazillion reasons why it's not a great time to have a baby (I for one can't imagine how we'll afford to live on the statutory maternity pay!) but I guess we just....will!

    Good luck with whatever you decide Helen :)
     
    MrsMay2011, Mar 17, 2012
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  10. Helen

    MrsMay2011

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    You spend your youth being told if you even so much as look a willy you'll get pregnant immediately, if not sooner, and RUIN YOUR LIFE. But then when it comes to actually wanting a baby, suddenly there's only a 24hr window of opportunity every month and it's considered perfectly normal to spend 2 years trying!
     
    MrsMay2011, Mar 17, 2012
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  11. Helen

    poppleminster

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    What do you think is the best age to have a baby? I don't think there is one.

    I had my first child at 27. None of my friends had kids and I just felt it was so hard. If i'd been round kids more it would have been easier.

    I had Popple at 32 and was much easier. I had Alfie last year at 37 and cannot say enough how much easier it is. Although the actual birth was a lot more complicated and I am still quite ill, in terms of looking after him, I am much more relaxed. I think several factors change, the worry about going back to work, the doubt I had about what I was going to do with my life and career and the peace that comes with experience. At 37, I don't care if I go back to work, I don't care about a career, I am happier within myself and less orientated around what lies ahead. Instead I am just chilled and happy to accept that I am not going to be a huge earner, I am plodding along happily doing the best career I could want for, being a mummy. I love it.


    Is it important to you to be married before trying for a baby? Not at all. I think to be in a stable relationship is vital for the support you need. It is so hard in the few months after giving birth that if you are not a solid couple, you wont make it. Day after day of exhaustion makes for snappy parents sometimes. To keep a long term view that this stage is only temporary, is important along with accepting that the stress that comes with tiredness will also pass.


    How old were you and your partner when you decided to go for it?
    I was 22 when I first had a miscarriage. Had others since then and a little girl that sadly didn't make it out of hospital. My only 'planned' pregnancy is Alfie. I wanted a baby but didn't expect him to happen so he was kind of unplanned planned if that makes sense.

    Does it annoy you that people assume as you got married you are soon to be pregnant?
    Yeah. With Alfie people assumed we were getting married as I was pregnant but as you lot know, I was planning the weding long before getting pregnant! When I had my first marriage in 1999 everyone expected babies within a year.
     
    poppleminster, Mar 17, 2012
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  12. Helen

    MrsBrown

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    And peeing on a stick tells you when that 24 hour window is, so even if your not in the mood tough. Plus I have an app on my phone estimating my dates, if either if us want or need to go away the first thing we do is check the app! People say relax, just go with the flow but once you get t the stage when you think your having problems relaxing and going with the flow is an impossibility!

    Anyway Helen, I wish you the best of luck which ever way you decide. Maybe Becky will set up a 'sister' forum with a nice small bunch of people! Some of the trying to conceive forums are a nightmare so stay away. There are either people who have been trying for years and are struggling to cope or people who are stressing because they didn't catch on first month. I urge you, stay off them if you do decide to try and let's talk about it on here with nice people!
     
    MrsBrown, Mar 17, 2012
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  13. Helen

    MrsBoucher2B2012

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    Totally agree on the cons of having one young, i had no social life what so ever for the first two years and it is a military operation getting ready these days. I do wish i had had the chance to go to uni and become a midwife ( i was meant to start the september before i was due) but if i had not had Abi i would not be starting up the wedding stationery business.

    I am very lucky to have found Gareth so young, he is always complaining on how we have lost out on 10 years and wishing he was the same age as me but if he was i doubt i would still be with him guys my ages drive me round the bend they are so immature.
     
    MrsBoucher2B2012, Mar 17, 2012
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  14. Helen

    MrsBrown

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    It's never too late to go to uni! I went at 25, but there were people in their 30's, 40's and 50's even! I did an access course and there was one lady who went to train to be a midwife and she was 33.
     
    MrsBrown, Mar 17, 2012
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  15. Helen

    hpsauce84

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    We didn't give people a chance to start asking when we were going to have babies as I found out I was pregnant on honeymoon! :D

    I'm 27 and hubby is 26 - I don't think there is a 'best' age to have children, just when you both feel ready really. We had always intended to try pretty much straight after the wedding anyway so it's all just happened a few months earlier for us.

    I don't think it's important to be married before having children - I do think being in a long term solid relationship is important, obviously I realise this doesn't always happen and it still turns out ok for people but it was something that was important to me before even considering having children with someone.

    Our baby is due in less than a month now and I'm getting excited! :D
     
    hpsauce84, Mar 18, 2012
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  16. Helen

    Helen

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    Not long to go then hpsauce!

    It annoys me a bit that just because we got married people assume that we are going to reproduce straight away, people coming up to me and having a long stare at my middle is making me think I need to diet! :blink:
     
    Helen, Mar 18, 2012
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  17. Helen

    Becky Administrator

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    I don't think it is important to be married before having children, but like everyone else I do think it is important to be in a healthy stable relationship. We didn't want to have children before getting married, but only because we didn't feel ready. It was always something that we knew we wanted in the future though, and it just so happened that marriage came along first :)

    I did a lot of driving over the Christmas festivities, so if I wasn't drinking as a result it always got questioning looks! I was quite frank and said that the belly was just food, but thanks for pointing it out! I also found it quite funny to pretend I was really offended and wind people up, muh ha ha :D

    I'm 27 and Ian is 28, and we'll probably start trying for kids once we've got a house. It will be nice to have a bit of time to get everything sorted first, but you never know how long these things will take! I'd like 3 kids so hopefully this will be possible before fertility drops. I've got friends who got pregnant straight away and others who have been trying unsuccessfully for years, so who knows.
     
    Becky, Mar 18, 2012
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  18. Helen

    iPrincess26

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    I'm dreading the "you'll be trying for a family now then" type questions that we know we will get from some family members after the wedding and on the day if I know my Gran and then the strange looks when we say we don't want kids! It's something we have talked about before and neither of us particularly likes kids (I love my 2 nephews but only for short periods at a time) and we both Definately don't see them in our future. Both sets of parents know this and are fine with it - on my side me and my sister have covered things between us as her and her OH have 2 kids but don't want to get married so we are doing the wedding bit! and they have the kids covered but 99% sure my gran just won't get this. My ex had 2 kids and lovely as they were I feel I lost out on so much when we had them I didn't want any this time - it may change but right now we can't see it as we both love being able to go off and do things although when we get a house we already have dogs and ducks planned so they will be our children!
     
    iPrincess26, Mar 18, 2012
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  19. Helen

    Helen

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    Ducks! My husband is desperate for some ducks! Fortunately my pond and garden are too small... When we get our (next) house sorted I'm sure he will have some then.
     
    Helen, Mar 18, 2012
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  20. Helen

    MrsC2Be

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    hahaha my Sister's OH wants some running ducks as pets. Unfortunately they live together, along with her mentalist patterdale terrier who I'm sure would take great delight in attacking said ducks....

    We've had the talk of babies again today - everyone seems convinced we'll be popping them out all over the place as soon as we're married. It's amusing but generally gets tedious after a while.
     
    MrsC2Be, Mar 18, 2012
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