Advice Needed Please!

Hi,

really need some advice please..

I have a colleague as well as a good friend who is coming to my wedding and i found out last Wed that she's lost her baby at 11weeks. I felt so sad and gutted for her because this is not the first time. She had last week off and should be back to work tomorrow.

Since this unfortunate situation has happened, I feel she may have a change of heart on coming to the wedding, which I don't mind. Last thing I want her to do is feel she have to be at the wedding putting on a brave face when she feels better to be at home. When I had my hen do (18th Aug) she had to pull out as she was feeling very unwell and sorry to let me down.

I love her to come and it makes it sound like i don't want her to but she's so vulnerable right now.

So last few days I have been thinking on asking and how to! my plan was this: "alot has happened, I don't wish to push you but what do you wish to do for next weekend as the caterer ask for final number by this Thursday at the very latest?"

My wedding is next Saturday on the 8th Sept.

So awkward on asking her gently without making it worse... :unsure:

Help please!!!

 

How awful for your friend

I wouldn't mention your wedding, I am sure she will tell you if she isn't feeling up to attending.

 

I guess your right in not mentioning.

Thank you Helen.

 

Your poor friend, that's a terrible thing to happen, especially if it's not the first time I would tend to agree with Helen - if you mention it she might think you don't want her there... you never know, it might be just what she needs to help her forget about it for a few hours xxx

 

That's the thing, I don't want her to think I don't want her there or feel i only care about my wedding, it's not that at all. I feel she may find it difficult around others.

My h2b thinks I should ask as she's aware that the wedding is next weekend and we need to do what needs to be done like the final numbers for the caterer, so they can order our food on Friday.

Sigh...Its such a difficult situation. :unsure:

 

I have to agree I don't think you should ask her. Tbh, she might not know herself until the day and if you ask her she might feel like she has to tell you and so might say no, just to air on the side of caution and then regret it as your wedding day might be a good day.

If sheis going back to work after a week, she must feel ready to cope with some aspects of normal life but that might also mean the routine mundane things are easier. she may also have completely forgotten about your wedding, not that she doesn't care just other things have been difficult for her.

I know it's hard because you need to give final numbers and could end up paying for a guest that doesnt come but if the miscarriage was only last week, she's not really had that much time to get her head around things yet.

How about calling to see her to see how she is doing and see if she brings the subject up? I would let her take the lead though, she might just welcome something nice to talk about in which case you could say something like yr just making final arrangements and see what she says. She might even give you the answer you need, but like you said be careful, you don't want her to think that is the only reason you called round.

If your h2b insists that you ask her, the other option is to ask her without mentioning the fact you need to tell the caterers! That's the bit that could appear insensitive and like saving money is more important ( to me anyway- dont get me wrong i was v annoyed at my wedding when someone let me down 2 weeks before just after i had given final numbers. it cost me £70, and appeared like they had been considering not coming for weeks but didn't bother to say- weddings are not cheap affairs!)

You could say to her, I know things have been really tough, and we would love you to come next week even if just for a bit but we understand if you dont feel like it and see what she says? She might just give you an answer or might say I really don't know, in which case you might have to live without knowing. It also might give her opportunity to say she just wants to come to the service or stay for the meal.

Good luck x not long to go now though.. Very exciting!!

 

I agree about not asking her. I would include her in the numbers for the caterer, then she still has the option of coming if she wants to. And if she doesn't it's only one meal too many.

 

My head feels like it's going to explode. But I've got to a point that I ask one of my other colleagues (who's also coming) to text her (they're travelling up together).

She's manage to get an reply that she really wants to be there but didn't want to let me down. My other colleague asked her, honestly how do you feel and she replied no, not feeling up to it and she hope i understand.

So after this, I texted her myself that it's ok and she said that it's my big day and wanted to be there but can't stop crying and can't put a smile on her face

I really hope she'll be ok soon and i'm still absolutely heart broken for her.

 

That's a good way to go about it - at least you both know, and she doesn't feel like she has to put on a brave face and struggle through it. I really feel for her, must be terrible.